There are times when disagreements turn into wars, and you are prepared to drop some bombs.
If your relationship has become a war of words, watching this video is a chance for you to begin revitalizing the loving connection you have with your partner. It’s an opportunity for long-term change that brings respect, communication and trust back into your relationship.
It’s the first step in learning to fight fair.
Now I know what you are thinking. “Suntia, how am I supposed to win arguments if I don’t fight a little dirty every so often?”
I get it. We have been taught that if we are going to fight, we need to win. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner will say whatever it takes to make a point — to be right. That may mean saying cruel things, undercutting your partner’s intelligence, using profanities, rolling your eyes, making threats or even bringing up old matters of contention (Yeah, that one time your partner lied about his spending habits. You are just waiting to rehash that during a fight.). It may even mean trying to make your point over… and over… and over again.
Many of my clients say they are just responding to their partner’s verbal attacks. They were “fighting back” to protect themselves.
But here is the deal: When you say mean things during an argument, it puts little cracks in the foundation of your relationship. Those cracks begin to merge into one big rift that separates you and your partner. That rift represents the breakdown in trust, a dysfunction in communication and the hurt, pain and heartbreak you have both caused.
These little arguments have huge repercussions.
So how do you stop? How do you change how you and your partner argue?
I can help. Join me, couples therapist Suntia Smith, in the Relationship Roadmap Facebook Group, where you will learn that fighting fair means having the freedom to say what’s on your mind while also having empathy, trust and respect. You will learn to have conflict while playing on the same team. You will work toward common goals together and listen to each other’s perspectives.
Sounds pretty perfect, right? I promise, it’s not too good to be true. It will take work, an open mind, an open heart and lots of listening. And soon you will soon realize that happy couples do not focus on who is right and who is wrong; they focus on mutual respect and a collaborative mindset.
You see, here is an example of how conflict happens: You and your partner disagree about how to comfort your daughter when she is hurt. Your husband picks her up, gives her a pat on the head and says, “You’re OK.” And he moves along. You would rather cuddle and offer support and hugs. You think you are right, and he thinks he is right. You think, “If he just understood my point of view, he would start being more empathetic with our daughter.” But your husband feels the same way. So you both get caught up in trying to explain your points of view. It becomes an argument when you debate the technicalities of your perspectives.
Instead, you must honor each other’s feelings, understand each other’s perspectives and find solutions together. You still hold each other accountable — you do it with respect.
My Relationship Roadmap Private Facebook Group is your tool for taking the punch out of your arguments and learning to appreciate each other’s points of view. Module 4 also includes personal and couples worksheets to help you learn resolution skills. Bonus: Get the list of the 5 things you should never do or say in an argument.
When you join the Relationship Roadmap Facebook Group, you will also get access to Modules 1-3, which each provide support on different issues that women like you face in their relationships. You’ll find an incredible community of women who are facing similar challenges, and you’ll find the support to realize your happy ever after.
I hope you’ll come join me.