May 11th, 2021
I do not have to chase, plead or beg for anything in this world, most of all love, because my father God is all, has created all; therefore, I have all. ~ Suntia Smith
I am writing about something a little different this month. I have been thinking about faith and spiritual relationships a lot recently, and this idea of the spiritual connection between partners has taken a hold of me. After my last blog post and video, which focused on toxic relationships and how childhood traumas affect our adult relationships, I received many questions from women asking, “When do I let go?” and “When will God send me my partner?” and “What if I think my partner is my soulmate. Will I find another one?”
So I began to contemplate, meditate and pray to find the right words to answer these questions. I started to put it down on paper, and then I realized that this message was bigger than I had thought. This message was for more than the women who reached out to me. This message was for a collective of women.
And if I was going to reach that collective, I would have to come from the spiritual side of relationships.
Because as a couples counselor and therapist, I often receive questions from women about “when to stay or when to go” in a relationship. How do they know whether to keep fighting or whether to chase their man even when he seems to be running away? How do they know whether to wait for their man when he’s gone? And these questions come from women who have a hard time understanding why God would want them to be alone or not bless/improve their current relationship. Not having the answers to these big, spiritual questions keeps a lot of women stuck in negative relationship cycles.
I talk about spiritual connections and spiritual journeys with my clients regularly; however, I have never written about it. So this piece is for all my spiritual sisters, who desire love but who are fearful of being alone. This is for those women who love someone but know they deserve better, who see the potential in their partner but their partner does not see it in themselves.
This is for the ladies who are tired of chasing love.
So let us start with this truth: In every relationship there is a lesson and possibility for healing, but before you can learn the lesson or heal, you must be willing to trust and let go.
How do you trust and let go? You must have faith that there is a power greater than you, who knows what is best for you.
To give you some insight, let’s look deeper into relationship dynamics.
A man falls in love with his vision of his ideal future.
But when he meets a woman who allows him to see that this vision could be a reality, he feels uncomfortable. He feels like he needs to run away from the woman he loves: because he is afraid of what he is feeling. He is afraid he will fail to become that man and create the life he wants.
It is not because of the faults in the woman. It has nothing to do with her being not good enough. It is actually the direct opposite. It is because of her strength and because she seems too good to be true.
So the man sabotages the relationship. He becomes distant because he feels pressured, and backed into a corner. He feels his woman wants something that he is not ready to give, which is ultimately true because he has not reconciled who he is with the man he wants to be.
The man starts to use cover-ups or defense mechanisms to rationalize breaking up this relationship, which creates more doubt and insecurities in both the man and woman. This energy creates more arguments and leads to the end of the relationship.
The woman must realize that this is not about what she is doing or not doing in the physical — but instead, it’s about who she is in the spiritual.
If this woman realizes the impact of her spiritual nature during this experience, she will better understand who she is. And who she is is a Queen born into royalty through her father God. She must remember that she needs to remain on her throne of knowing while her beloved discovers who he is. And who he is is a King and son of God.
If the woman does not realize this, she will begin to internalize her man’s actions or words, which takes her off of her throne of knowing. She will begin to focus on insecurities, confusion, distrust and neediness. Even though she is a Queen, she begins to act like someone she is supposed to govern. This makes her man more confused, so he runs faster. Then she becomes more anxious, and she chases harder.
I know you are saying, “So I am supposed to allow him to go off and ‘find himself’ and wait until he comes back?”
And yes, I believe you should allow him to go if that is what he wishes. Never hold anyone hostage by guilt, shame or obligation in a relationship. Remember, that is not love. Love is freedom.
As a Queen, I want you to know that you are the daughter of God, so you never have to wait on anyone if you are about your father’s business. Waiting means putting everything — your purpose, mission, love, family and friends — on hold until he comes back. That is definitely not what I am talking about.
If you are on your throne of knowing, you have countries to rule and ideas to manifest. You are busy doing your father’s work. You were born with a purpose, so fulfill it.
And a side note: Your purpose does not depend on your King. You were born with a divine birthright. The goal of your life is not to find a King or marry a King. Your goal is to use the power in you — your talents, skills, wisdom and experiences — to help others. That may be through service, through your work or through love. Use your powers to live a life that shows others they have the power too.
See, you have a mission that requires you to love your personal journey. If you get off of your throne while you chase him, you stagnate your mission and you lose yourself. If you stay on your throne, then blessings and all the good things you deserve will come to you. Staying on your throne gives you the wisdom to know that if your King has not come to claim his throne, then your Father will not withhold any good thing from you. He delights in his daughter’s happiness, and he loves to see her on her mission and wants to give her the desire of her heart.
Know this: If your Father, who knows all, knows that the man you love will not return, then your God will ordain another. Your job is to keep your heart open to your Father’s will — not control it or manipulate it.
This is why surrender is oh-so important and oh-so hard to do. As I said, you must have faith that a higher power knows what is best for you. I know it’s difficult, but you have the power within you.
So what happens when the man runs and the Queen remains on her throne of knowing?
Sometimes the Queen moves on to another King, and sometimes the man doesn’t realize he is King and he never comes back.
But I can tell you that if you stay on your throne of knowing, you will get everything that belongs to you by divine right. You will have peace to let go of anything that does not honor your true self.
To make things more clear AND answer your questions, I am going to tell you a little story. This story is about a Queen and King because I believe we are all royalty. And if we rise to who we are, we can learn our lessons, heal and truly embrace unconditional love.
Here is the story:
Once upon a time, there was a man who fell in love with a Queen but who could not face his feelings. He could not see what the Queen saw, which was himself as a King. So this man ran from the Queen’s presence. He ran to a village far away. In the village, he worked and played with no consequences. He felt comfortable because he didn’t have those high expectations that the Queen had of him. So he blamed the Queen for pushing him away, and he convinces himself that he did the right thing by leaving. He tells himself that he could not see himself with her and that he is better without her. She was just another girl, he says.
To dig himself further into this illusion, he begins a relationship with a village girl, someone who is the total opposite of the Queen. She is not less than, just different. The village girl enjoys having fun. She has not found her mission in life, so she hides herself in the man, because she sees his greatness. The village girl, who does not have a voice of her own, lingers on every word the man says. He feels this is a good fit for him. He doesn’t have to challenge himself. It feels very comfortable.
This relationship goes along fine for a while, and the man seems to be happy. Until he sees a picture of the Queen, and it takes his breath away. In that moment, the illusion he created has lost its appeal. The truth in his heart has come back all at once. He tries to shake it. He spends more time at work, has more sex with the village girl, drinks and pretends that everything is fine.
But nothing can make the truth go away. He knows he is not rising to his true potential. So he starts to inquire more about the Queen, the things she is doing, places she is going, who she is dating. He hopes these answers will satisfy this urge inside of him, but all it does is make the flame grow stronger.
What he doesn’t know is that the village girl knows she doesn’t have his heart, and she knows that there is a piece of him that he will never offer her. She is OK with that — because she sees him as the King he is. She wants to be with him because, well, if you have not found your greatness, it is easier to pull from the greatness of others. And because she does not inhabit the Queen’s same level of consciousness, she does not have the power to bring the King’s consciousness to life. So she tries everything in the physical that can to satisfy the man, but it is all void because he longs for a spiritual connection.
He longs to get on his throne as King.
The man begins to hear that the Queen is ready to marry and is dating prospects. This makes him angry and vulnerable all at the same time. He looks at the village girl, and he all he can see is his past. He gets overwhelmed with emotions, and he runs once again. But this time he sees his errors, his defenses and avoidance, and he feels great sorrow. He wishes he had a chance to speak with the Queen to say he’s sorry, but he does not feel worthy. He feels he deserves the pain. And without knowing, in this sorrow, acceptance and surrender, he is praying to his father God.
He begins to awaken to his divine purpose — without the dependency of others.
He begins to feel worthy of love. He understands his weaknesses and sees the divine order in his life. Because of this, he begins to ask God to allow him to make it right with the Queen, to be humble in love.
One day, a close friend visits and tells the man about his personal journey and the things he has learned. This excites the man because he realizes he is not alone. Through the story of his friend, he sees that everyone has a journey and that mistakes do not have to tarnish your dreams or your destiny. As his friend leaves, he says he saw the Queen and she had asked about the man and said she hoped he was doing well. This takes the man by surprise. He thought she hated him. His friend, because of his journey, knows the look of love and loss in the man’s eyes and says to him, “Many times we run from that which was created to be a mirror of who we are to become because our destiny is too great for our imagination to see.”
The man thinks and thinks, prays and resists and prays more. This goes on for about a week until he has a dream in which his Queen has come to him on a chariot. She stops in front of his house and waits. She does not get out of the chariot. In the dream, the man opens the door to go to work and sees the Queen. He is amazed and runs to her and asks, “How long have you been here?” She says, “As long as it took for you to come to me. I come to say goodbye — not out of hate but out of love. I see you are well and happy, and you know our Father. If I never see you again, I want to say thank you, because without you I would not truly know the meaning of love.”
She looks at him with those eyes that he always felt looked straight through him. But before he can step into the chariot, she disappears.
He wakes up, and he knows without words. He knows without rational. He knows what he must do.
He begins to look for her. He goes everywhere she might be. But he grows tired and hungry, and he gives up. He goes to have dinner, and as his food is being brought to his table, he hears a laugh that makes time stop. All he can hear is his heartbeat. He feels something he has never felt before. He feels a desire to merge with another to become one.
He knows no one could have guided his steps so perfectly but his divine Father.
So with his heart beating out of his chest, he gets up and follows the laughter, a laugh that seems to warm his soul. He stands in front of her table, and although he had practiced all the things he would say to her, no words come.
There is just an overwhelming feeling of love.
When the Queen sees her King standing there, she smiles because she knows it is time. She knows her King has come home to claim his throne and all is forgiven. She has learned how to surrender all things to her Father. She gets up from the table and walks to him. The King embraces his Queen with all of his heart for she is the only one who knows how to love him, honor him and ground him all at the same time.
The King and Queen live loving and abundant lives, working together to help others while continuing on their personal journeys of purpose.
The moral of the story: Have faith, find strength in your faith and your character, and let that strength keep you focused on your path. You will find love.
If the man you believe is your King leaves you, allow him to go on his journey because he must go through his own trials and experiences to prepare him for the greatness of being a King. No matter your power, your words or actions, only he can develop a relationship with God to help him realize who he is.
Do not allow your fear — fear that he will not come back or fear that he will never grow into the person you believe he can be — convince you to try to force him to stay.
If you want a King, you must be a Queen. There is no way around it.
Trust that your Father has the power to bring you your desires. If the man you thought was your King does not make the journey back to you, your Father will anoint another King.
You see, despite what they tell you, there are Kings out there. However, they do not just fall out of the sky. Kings are created, tested and set apart. If you want to rush the process, you will not find yourself a true King. Instead, you will find a man pretending to be a King — and those are a dime a dozen.
Trust in the process, trust in yourself and trust your Father.
If you need guidance to help you see yourself as the Queen you are, I encourage you to book a session with me. During our sessions, we can talk about how you can continue to sit on your throne of knowing even when you are tested and even when your King is being tested.
If you want to book an appointment with me go here.