Many of us communicate with our spouses on a daily basis, often several times a day. When it comes to having a serious conversation with your spouse, it can be challenging to find the right time, place, or even the right way to effectively convey your message. Discussing “hot topics” is never easy, and it’s often least of all with the ones we’re closest to. With the three tips below, you will learn how to talk about serious issues with your spouse rather than getting defensive.

1. Timing Is Key

We don’t always have a lot of one-on-one time to devote to our spouse. Our families, friends, and occupations demand the bulk of our attention. By the end of the day, many of us are stressed out, tired, and would rather not deal with taxing problems.

As difficult as it may be for some couples to find a period of “calm” amongst the everyday calamity of their lives, it’s essential that both parties take the time to address the serious issues that they or their partner may be having. Whether it’s in the marriage, in the workplace, or elsewhere.  This may be in the minutes before going to bed, or you may need to schedule a distraction-free time with your spouse. Whatever you do, don’t let “lack of time” be the excuse that can potentially end your relationship.

2. Be Open-Minded

Many serious conversations fall apart in the first few moments. This often happens because one or both people haven’t taken time to think about their own thoughts, ideas, or feelings. That reflection is a key part of preparing for a serious conversation with your spouse.

For example, let’s say you want to quit your job. Instead of starting with a final statement like, “I’m quitting my job on Friday,” take a different approach. Create a space where both of you can talk openly and find a solution together.

Start by sharing the problem—such as feeling unhappy at work. Then ask your spouse what the two of you can do about it.

Doing so achieves two key things:

• Your spouse and yourself will be able to agree on the issues
• Both parties will be actively engaged in working towards an agreeable resolution

x3. Avoid the Blame Game

Once one spouse blames the other or makes accusatory statements, the conversation quickly derails and goes from being an earnest discussion to a war loaded with blame, negativity, and defensive actions. A fruitful conversation is one where neither party enters into it riled up and prepared to battle. Being logical and sticking to the facts is important. Communicating with respect also helps keep the conversation focused. This includes maintaining eye contact, speaking calmly, listening closely, and asking for clarification when needed. These simple actions go a long way in keeping the discussion on point.

One or both spouses may have “hot button” issues that instigate an almost instantaneous negative reaction. In these situations, when it comes to knowing how to talk seriously with your spouse, it’s best for both parties to have a plan in place that they both agreed upon for how to diffuse the situation. For instance, if one party raises their voice, the plan allows both to take a time-out and revisit the conversation later when calm has been restored.

If you and your spouse are having difficulty communicating, I am here to help. I offer appointments in my office located in Greenville, SC. To schedule your appointment, call me at (864) 559-8181.