After you realize a relationship is toxic, it can still be difficult to reconcile your emotions related to your own role in that toxicity, and it can still be difficult to break free of your toxic partner. While it seems unbelievable, toxic relationships can be addictive in nature.
That’s why it’s vital to embrace change in yourself before you can truly break out of your toxic patterns. It’s also critical to recognize that even though you may love your toxic partner, you cannot make them change. Let’s examine how you can really embrace the change you need to make as you employ proven strategies for breaking free of toxic relationships.
What are Toxic Relationships?
In 1995, interpersonal communication and body language expert Lillian Glass defined toxic relationships as ones where the partners involved don’t support each other and engage in conflict routinely. Additionally, one partner attempts to undermine and compete with the other and, as a result, there is a general lack of respect and cohesiveness.
Other experts add that toxic relationships are typically non-egalitarian, which results in one of the two partners being dependent emotionally or financially on the other. This can then trigger a situation of domination and subjugation.
In fact, it’s even possible that the toxic partner will put little to no effort into maintaining the relationship. They will simply take from their partner while giving little or nothing back.
What Dynamic Creates Addiction to Toxic Relationships?
In toxic relationships, it is not uncommon for a trauma bond to form. This is a connection between the abused person and their abuser, and it results in the abuse victim developing feelings of sympathy and affection for their abuser.
Stockholm syndrome is a famous version of a trauma bond that occurs in kidnapping victims, whereby the victims are rendered helpless, and they eventually become both subservient and sympathetic to their captors. But this type of bond can also develop in other kinds of relationships, and it typically begins when the abused individual begins to rationalize the actions of their abuser.
The early stages of a relationship with a toxic individual often start with the victim feeling as though the abuser is the perfect person. The abuser love-bombs their victims to attract them in and also to learn everything they can about them for future manipulation.
This results in the victim feeling as though this person is their soulmate, and when the abuser shows their true colors, the victim begins the rationalization process. By this point, they are enamored with the abuser and just want that loving partner back.
Throughout the course of the relationship, the abuser vacillates between the abusive behavior and the love-bombing. That makes the victim begin to crave those high points (love-bombing) and excuse the low points (abusive behavior). They strive to adjust their own behavior so that they can get their love-bombing fix.
It’s this addictive nature that makes strategies for breaking free of toxic relationships so important to implement and maintain. But what are those strategies?
What are Strategies for Breaking Free of Toxic Relationships?
If you’re a person who has a pattern of falling for toxic partners, this likely indicates that your relationship with toxicity began with your caregivers. Those were what are called primary relationships, and they are really what sets the foundation for your attachment patterns in adulthood.
Many people develop what are called anxious or avoidant attachment styles, where they have trouble forming and maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships. Those individuals are often susceptible to becoming involved with toxic partners.
They frequently had toxic caregivers, and the toxicity, therefore, feels normal in the relationship. Even among individuals who developed more healthy attachment styles, it’s still possible to become addicted to a toxic partner as you strive to get that supportive partner you fell in love with back. So, if you’re in this situation, what can you do?
Recognize the Toxicity
Among the most important strategies for breaking free of toxic relationships is recognizing that they are toxic. It’s not just a bad day or a reaction to a stressful life event. It’s toxic, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
This can help you to switch from a victim mindset to an empowered mindset. One way to help yourself do this is to write consistently in a journal. As you record your thoughts and feelings about the relationship, you can start to see the patterns that are present, including your own patterns whereby you might be excusing the bad behavior and accepting the blame, thereby enabling your partner’s toxicity. This is the first step in breaking free.
Clarify What You Want
The next thing to do after you’ve recognized that your relationship is toxic is to clarify what you want out of the relationship, what your goals are in life, and how you view your partner’s role in that life.
For example, do you want a supportive partner who encourages you to pursue your goals? What does that support look like in your individual situation? But don’t stop with the relationship.
You should also clarify what you want for your health, career, and personal growth so that you can feel successful and fulfilled. You also want to identify your core values and goals so you know the person you want to be. Having a clear vision of what you want for your life will help you take the necessary steps to bring that vision into reality.
Acceptance is Key
Another important strategy is acceptance. You must first accept yourself with all your flaws and strengths. You need to acknowledge your inherent worth as a living being with needs and desires. This will help you learn to love yourself.
Beyond that, you must also accept that your partner has inherent worth and that they are deserving of having their needs met. But you must also accept that you are not responsible for their life, their self-esteem, or their happiness. They must help themselves in those regards just as you have to save yourself.
Finally, you need to accept the state of your relationship for what it is, and then you can begin to take the actions necessary to break free from toxicity.
Take Bold Actions to Break Free
Once you have recognized the toxicity, clarified your vision for your life, and accepted yourself, your partner, and the state of the relationship, you’re ready for action. Whenever you’re implementing strategies for breaking free of toxic relationships, you must act boldly and decisively.
In fact, you must embrace the change that is happening. You must assert your autonomy, set firm boundaries to prevent further abuse and make any necessary preparations to be apart from your toxic partner. Make a plan and stick to it!
Work with a Therapist
It can help to work with a therapist or life coach to develop an empowered mindset, improve your own self-esteem, and strengthen your resolve to treat yourself in a healthy, respectful manner. They can also help you implement your plans for breaking free of your toxic partner.
Give Me a Call
I’m Suntia Smith, and I can help you with breaking free of toxic relationships. I’m a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist with degrees in psychology and social work. I can help you with your personal growth and relationship goals so that you will break those old habits to form stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.
Feel free to make an appointment today, and we’ll get started on making your vision for your life a reality!