From conflict to disagreements to lack of attention from your partner, there are numerous reasons behind why you may choose to be unfaithful to your partner. Unfortunately, it’s usually not until your partner finds out about the affair that you realize that the affair just wasn’t worth hurting your partner or losing their trust. The good news is that couples can learn how to rebuild trust after an affair. The challenging part is that trust doesn’t grow overnight and it can take months if not years to get back to where you once were. If you’re serious about learning how to rebuild trust after an affair, are committed to making a positive change with your partner and are willing to be 100% transparent, then you may be able to come away from the affair with an even stronger relationship with your partner than ever before.

Step 1: Honesty

The first step in rebuilding trust after an affair is often the hardest. You must allow your partner to be honest about their thoughts and feelings. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to hear how you hurt someone you love. But listening—really listening—gives your partner the chance to be heard. It might not seem like much, but it’s essential for rebuilding trust. You should expect your partner to ask questions. They may cry. They may get angry. That’s a normal part of the healing process.

As much as you may feel tempted to say, “Get over it already!” Remind yourself how you have shaken their world to the very core and have triggered a traumatic event in their lives. Continue to apologize and reach out to your partner with understanding and compassion. In couples therapy, I tell my clients’ who had the affair that “no matter how tough it gets never try to justify your cheating.” This is because fostering a connection between you and your partner is the priority NOT placing the blame or being right.

Step 2: Take Responsibility

Some of what your partner is going to say may hurt. Remember, this isn’t the time to get defensive or fight your partner on the points he or she makes. Accept what they say and take full responsibility for your infidelity. Only then will your partner trust that you do feel sorry for what you’ve done, and only then will you be able to take a good, hard look at yourself and start to uncover the issues that caused you to cheat.

Does taking responsibility mean becoming the scapegoat for everything wrong in your relationship? No, it doesn’t. Taking responsibility means owning your actions—not all the problems in your marriage. Your affair was one event. If you treat it as one situation, then recovery is possible. Moving forward will take effort. You’ll need to step up and say, “I had an affair. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust again.” That honesty is the first step toward healing.

Step 3: Seek Solutions

Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to make your relationship stronger and better. There’s a good chance that they may not know at first, so make suggestions to show that you are actively trying to heal the situation, such as returning home at a certain time every night, allowing him or her to check your social media or text messages, and so on.

By taking the initiative to rebuild your relationship, you are taking steps toward a happy and healthy marriage. Your partner wants to know that you are 100% committed to being in the relationship and not just because you got caught cheating. So if you do try to show your partner how much you love them and they still remain upset – don’t give up hope. Your partner is angry but your actions will continue to show them that they are worth your time and effort.

Step 4: Be Accountable

Do what you say you’re going to do—when you say you’ll do it. If you promise to be home from work at 5 p.m., be there. No excuses. If you say you’ll call during your lunch break, make the call. Every promise you make now is a promise you must keep. Even a small slip-up during this stage can damage your progress. Right now, your partner is questioning your character and integrity. Your consistency is what helps rebuild their trust.

When you follow through on your promises, your partner starts to feel safe. They begin to lower their walls and allow themselves to be vulnerable again. Yes, it’s hard. It may feel like you’re walking on eggshells—but for now, that’s part of the process. This phase is necessary. Right now, your actions are the clearest way to show you’re serious about change. In my work with couples in marriage counseling, I focus on helping them build compassion. That way, once the “walking on eggshells” phase passes, both partners can make mistakes without fear of being rejected or blamed.

So what’s my advice in a nutshell? Be patient. Be patient with your partner and with yourself. Recovering from an affair is tough work but if you both want your relationship to work, it can happen!

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