Any adult, regardless of their circumstances, likely knows the universal feelings that accompany a difficult breakup with someone they fell in love with at some point. There are feelings of sadness, grief, and, at times, a sense of hopelessness, as you might think you’ll never find the right person for you. 

These feelings are compounded when either you or your former partner don’t want to break up. You don’t want to hurt someone you have loved. Just as you don’t want to be hurt by someone you still love, and if there was any kind of abuse involved in the relationship, it could be tricky to separate yourself from that toxicity. 

Since breakups are sometimes unavoidable, what steps can you take to heal after you have suffered the heartbreak of a difficult breakup? Here are 3 steps to help speed the healing process and help you learn from the relationship. 

Understand that You Are Not a Failure

When you’re going through a difficult breakup, it’s common to think that your relationship has failed, and it’s easy to incorporate that sense of failure into your identity. But that’s an old way of looking at the breakup of a relationship that no longer serves either partner. 

The truth is that your relationship succeeded until it didn’t anymore, and when it didn’t, it became clear that it was time to go your separate ways. The fact that your relationship was no longer working doesn’t indicate anything about your character or your morality. In fact, a breakup may just be the thing that you need to clear the way for healing old wounds and finding true happiness. 

Every relationship in your life teaches you something valuable about yourself, your needs, and your desires. Those are important lessons, and when you delve into the reasons why the relationship no longer works, you may discover old wounds that need to be healed; once you’ve begun that process, you’ll truly be ready to move on. 

Let the Feelings Flow

When we are confronted by difficult emotions, we can easily be ‘hooked’ by the story those feelings want to tell us. You might think things like, “I’m no good,” “I’m unloveable,” “I’ll never find anyone who can live with me,” or “I’m too difficult to live with, so I’m better off alone.” 

Those are the stories your bruised ego is trying to tell you, and often, those stories started whispering in your ear long before the relationship began. Even if you’re the one who initiated the breakup, you can still experience feelings of loneliness, sadness, and doubt about your decision.

If you get hooked by those stories, however, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole into depression and isolation. But there’s a better way. Many people fear that if they let themselves feel their feelings, they will always feel that way. They’ll never overcome the pain. However, if you simply sit with the feelings you’re experiencing and let them flow through you rather than get stuck in you, you’ll find that, like everything else, ‘this too shall pass.’ You won’t feel this way forever.

It Can Be Uncomfortable

It can be uncomfortable, but if you simply allow yourself to fully experience your sadness, anger, sense of loss, or whatever other emotions may arise, you’ll soon notice that they change, and the pain eases. It’s like the poet Robert Frost said, ‘The only way out is through.’ Cry, go out into the woods to let out a primal scream, or beat up a pillow, but let the feelings flow.

Think of yourself as a window, and the feelings you’re experiencing are a breeze blowing through that window. At first, the breeze is strong, cold, and painfully uncomfortable, but before you know it, the breeze will change. It will become lighter, warmer, and more comforting, and you will find yourself smiling again. 

Acceptance is Key to Overcoming a Difficult Breakup

When we begin to experience difficult emotions, we often resist them. We don’t want to accept that we are feeling a certain way. We don’t want to accept our own responsibility in the situation. And we don’t want to accept that the only way to heal is to be patient. Before you can solve any problem or overcome any challenge, however, you have to accept the situation as it is. 

Accept that It’s Not Working Anymore

You might have done everything you could to save the relationship. But there comes a moment when you must accept that it’s just not working anymore. That acceptance allows you to see more clearly. And also to act more decisively to move toward the next phase of your life. 

Accept Your Responsibility in the Relationship Problems

It’s also key, however, to accept responsibility for your role in the problems you experienced in the relationship. You must examine your motives and behavior to avoid replaying the same old relationship song over and over again. This is a critical part of healing old wounds that resulted in negative core beliefs. 

It’s those negative, false core beliefs that can lead to behaviors that cause relationship problems. Whether they be in the form of codependency, attachment problems, or aggressive actions. The first step to change those old beliefs is to acknowledge your role in the reasons why the relationship stopped working. Once you’ve done that, you can begin the process of healing old wounds so you can find lasting happiness. 

Accept that Healing Takes Time

This process, however, takes time, and that’s another thing you have to accept. It will take time to heal, and the time it takes is different for everyone. You’re not going to slow or too fast; you’re taking exactly the amount of time that’s right for you. Accepting that healing takes time will help you each step of the way. And you’ll make progress faster than you ever thought you would. 

Therapy Might Be Right for You

As a licensed clinical social worker and an individual and couples therapist, I have worked with many heartbroken people going through a difficult breakup. I understand the emotional rollercoaster that you’ll experience, and I can help you navigate through the sometimes turbulent healing process. 

Together, we can help you find happiness once again. I offer both in-person and virtual therapy sessions. We’ll uncover those old wounds to heal through my Soul Glow Up Coaching Program and find the right therapeutic course for you. Call me today, and we’ll get started on healing your broken heart right away. 
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