A narcissistic partner and narcissists in general are among the most challenging partners you can have in a relationship. When it starts, you don’t know they’re a narcissist. In fact, many partners and former partners of narcissists report feeling as though they had met their soulmate. 

But that impression quickly fades as the love-bombing turns into nearly constant criticism, blame, and shame. While the relationship is hard enough, breaking up can be even harder to do. You have to be prepared for how difficult it can be and how the narcissist may react. 

Here are 5 steps to take when you’re ready to break free from a narcissistic partner: 

1. Acknowledge the Problem of Your Narcissistic Partner

It can be hard to admit you’ve made a mistake, particularly when you’ve likely told everyone you know how great your partner is. And that they are your soulmate. But, as you start to see their behavior changing, it’s important to acknowledge – even if you haven’t been together very long – when there’s a problem. 

That sounds simple, but it can be very difficult to do. Your narcissistic partner seemed so perfect for you, and when they first started showing their true colors, you probably made excuses for them – they’re tired, they had a bad day, and so on. But, soon, their bad behavior becomes the norm. 

The adoration you once felt from your narcissistic partner has turned into comments that make you doubt yourself. You no longer receive the kind words and the seemingly unconditional support of your needs and desires. You don’t want it to be true, and at first, you might prefer to believe it’s just temporary. You even want to believe they can become the person they once were. The reality is that they never were that way in the first place. That person you first met was their representative; it was an illusion they created, a mask they were wearing to make you fall in love. And until you acknowledge that, you’ll never break free. 

2. Prepare Yourself Emotionally

It’s important to prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility of a narcissistic partner’s rageful response. Narcissists often erupt in rage, and even if there’s no physical threat (which there sometimes is), their rage is emotionally abusive. They will use every narcissistic trick in the book to get you to change your mind. They will yell at you, blame you, and attempt to shame and frighten you. 

They will often also use the silent treatment to punish you for defying them. Though this seems less abusive, it can be really hurtful, particularly from someone you really thought was your soulmate. But the worst is when they try to play on your emotions to have empathy for them so you believe they will change. 

Narcissists have the ability to put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you’re the only person in the world when you’re with them. Researchers call that love-bombing, and it’s likely the very thing that attracted you to your narcissistic partner in the first place. But it’s an illusion. You can’t help but fall for that in the beginning of a relationship, but you know better now. So, be prepared for it, and remember, it’s all a game to them. 

3. Recognize Your Role in the Relationship

Narcissists are adept at seeking out people who will put up with their bad behavior. If they have a superpower, it’s that they can quickly spot any sign of codependence, and they have an uncanny ability to tap into that. Until you are able to recognize how you have helped enable their behavior, even if you do break away from one narcissist, you’re likely to find yet another one the next go-round. 

Many people think codependency means you’re weak, but that’s not true. In fact, codependency is encouraged in many cultures. They see it as making sacrifices for the good of the whole rather than simply the individual. They might even see it as noble and selfless, but in fact, it’s a way of loving yourself through the praise and gratitude of others. it’s a kind of external validation. That leads to unhealthy sacrifices, and of course, it represents a problem with your own self-esteem. Recognizing that and getting therapy can help you change your unhealthy codependent behaviors into healthy self-respect.  

When you are able to see how you helped create the toxic relationship dynamic you find yourself in, you’ll be able to truly break free from a narcissistic partner. What’s more, you’ll be able to free yourself from the cycle of narcissistic partners you’ve likely endured in many of your relationships. 

4. Set Boundaries

Boundaries are not really for other people. Instead, they’re a way of respecting yourself. It’s how you take care of your own needs so that you can be helpful to other people when it’s healthy to do so. Moreover, boundaries are vital for breaking free from a narcissistic partner. 

Narcissists regularly cross boundaries. They never had boundaries of their own, which is usually part of why they developed narcissistic personality disorder in the first place. They are also reliant on external validation to support their own self-esteem, and thus, they come to see other people as extensions of themselves. 

That means they don’t believe you should have anything that they can’t know about or any boundaries they can’t cross. To get yourself free, you’ll have to change that dynamic. You’ll have to set and maintain strong, healthy boundaries as you break free from them. It won’t be easy, but it’s critical for your freedom. What’s more, it’s critical for any healthy relationships in the future. 

5. Plan Your Exit

You have to ensure you’re prepared to leave as soon as possible after telling them. Remember, they might erupt in a rage when they get news they don’t want to hear. That means you need to have a place where you can go, you’ll need to have all your important documents (ID, titles, passports, etc.), and you’ll need to know how you’re going to support yourself if you don’t do that already. 

You’ll want to start getting your things in order so that you can leave quickly without having to take the time to arrange things as they’re raging. This is important, too, because they will play games if you give them enough time. Even if they seem to agree with your decision to break up, that will quickly change. If you leave them, they see it as a devastating blow to their self-esteem. For the narcissist, it doesn’t matter if you don’t love them anymore; if you leave them, you will damage their image, and that’s all that they care about – how others perceive them. 

Therapy Can Help

Part of preparing yourself for breaking free from a narcissistic partner is getting therapy yourself. You’ve undoubtedly endured a great deal of, at least emotional abuse, if not physical abuse, too. You need to process that trauma, and you might also need to work on your own personal challenges – we’ve all got them. 

You don’t have to do this alone. I can help you see your way clear to a brighter tomorrow. I’m a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Greenville, SC. I offer individual therapy, and a weekly intensive Soul Glow Up Program that can put you on your healing journey in no time! I can help you through this difficult time. I’m just an email away.

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