In any relationship, good communication is a must, but it’s particularly vital for your marriage. Of course, we humans are imperfect beings, and as such, we sometimes get it wrong. A bad day can make you confrontational in your interactions with your partner, and sometimes, you say some things that you don’t mean. You’re lashing out in anger or frustration. 

When you’re in a close relationship like a marriage, there is an almost constant dialogue with your spouse, and it’s very easy to say something in a way that you didn’t mean or to interpret something your spouse said incorrectly. 

This can lead to combative communication styles that can bring the dialogue to a screeching halt. Even if you can resolve these problems, lingering resentments can easily poison your interactions. So, how can you resolve such communication breakdowns in your marriage?

Resolving communication problems begins with recognizing the problem and then taking steps to resolve the situation. But how do you do that? Here are 5 tips for resolving communication breakdowns in your marriage. 

Communication Breakdowns: Acknowledge There’s a Problem

It can be tempting to ignore the problem. It’s easy, and perhaps more comfortable, to hope the problem resolves itself. The reality is that it’s unlikely things will get better unless both you and your partner take proactive steps to communicate with each other in a kinder, more effective way. 

That’s why you both need to acknowledge you have a problem. It’s nothing to be ashamed of because, according to a survey conducted by people who are well aware of the reasons for marriage failures – The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers – some 67.5% of marriages fail because of communication problems.  

If you and your spouse are having problems communicating, it’s clear you’re not alone. It’s hard to interact consistently with others in any context, and the closer you are, the more likely you are to get your messages muddled every now and again. After all, you’re communicating more frequently and often about difficult topics. You can resolve any communication breakdown, however, unless you recognize there is a problem. 

Make Time and Create Space for You and Your Spouse to Talk

This means actively creating the time and space to give your undivided attention to your spouse and for them to give their undivided attention to you. To effectively make time and a comfortable space for communicating, here are some necessary steps to take: 

• Leave Your Phones Out of the Conversation

In our modern world, we’ve become addicted to technology. We’re constantly checking our phones for messages or we do so every time we hear a notification. It’s distracting, and to really communicate effectively, leave the phones turned off in another room. 

• Ground Rules are Essential

It’s important to create ground rules for respectful communication. Some helpful ground rules include things like no interrupting and no raising your voice. Additionally, no name-calling and no ‘what-about-ism’ are some good rules for the interaction. You need to rebuild trust, and this is how you start that process.

• Be Open to the Communication Process

If you go into this space with a negative attitude, that will show in your body language, and your spouse will pick up on it. You want to signal your openness to resolving the communication breakdown you’re currently having. 

So, check your body language, and make sure you’re actually listening to your spouse instead of silently preparing your next comeback while they speak. 

• Set a Timer

The two of you should agree upon a set amount of time for each of you to express your feelings. Stick to the time you set, and when the timer goes off, it’s the other person’s turn to speak. This will help keep the conversation on-topic

Stick to the Topic

One of the worst communication breakdown problems is consistently wandering off-topic, usually to revisit past perceived slights. If you’re really trying to get somewhere, it’s better to address the current problem rather than saying something like, “Remember when you did this?” 

Constantly going back and forth with ‘what-about-ism’ will serve only to perpetuate the communication breakdowns. Rather than complaining about past behaviors or treatment and blaming each other for the problem, it’s more effective to remain respectful, honest, and kind and to stay focused on the current topic at hand. 

Understand What You are Feeling

Before you begin this conversation, it’s important to ask yourself what you are really feeling and why. When something your spouse has said or done has triggered difficult emotions, you need to fully understand exactly what those emotions are and why you feel triggered before you can talk about them. 

If you don’t do this, you’ll only succeed in communicating frustration with no real understanding of why you feel that way. If you don’t understand your feelings, your partner won’t be able to either. 

Active Listening

This is arguably one of the most important tips for resolving communication breakdowns in a marriage. Active listening means listening to what your partner is saying with all of your senses to show your genuine interest. If you are fully present as they express themselves, even if you disagree, you can empathize with their reactions and respond in a kinder, gentler way. 

Part of active listening also means suspending your judgment. You have your side, of course, but suspend judgment until you’ve fully heard their side. Asking questions of them can help you clarify what they’re feeling, and it will show your genuine concern. 

Couples Counseling Can Help

Once ineffective communication styles results in an all-out communication breakdown, it can be difficult to get things back on track without a neutral third party to help. A therapist can more clearly see where the breakdowns are occurring and make suggestions for implementing proven techniques for resolving the breakdown. 

I am a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist. I can help you and your spouse learn to talk to each other in more effective ways so that both of you can feel loved, seen, and heard. Call today to make an appointment and start talking to one another in more effective ways to build the relationship you want. 
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