You hear the term gaslighting all the time these days, but what exactly does it mean? It’s always associated with toxic, manipulative people, but why is it called gaslighting? Understanding gaslighting is important for setting appropriate boundaries and understanding the true agenda of narcissists and other types of toxic people. 

Let’s examine this type of behavior, where it came from, and why understanding gaslighting when you see it is critical to avoiding toxic relationships. I’ll also lay out 3 strategies for overcoming gaslighting when you recognize it. 

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is an intentional attempt to manipulate you into doubting what you are seeing, hearing, or experiencing with your own senses. Gaslighters want you to doubt your own perception of what has or is happening. And in fact, they want you to doubt your version of reality. 

Toward that end, gaslighters will try to confuse you or minimize what you have experienced. In the end, they want to replace your version of reality with theirs, and in this way, they can manipulate you at will. Additionally, they can justify their own bad behavior because you’re ‘losing it.’ 

Where Did the Term Come From? 

The term gaslighting originated in Patrick Hamilton’s screenplay Gas Light and the subsequent 1944 movie Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. The story revolves around a husband who is trying to convince his wife that she is insane. He’s doing so to have her institutionalized so that he can search her family home for precious jewels that are hidden in the attic. 

The husband searches the attic at night while his wife is asleep, and while doing so, he is using gaslights to see. As he uses them, however, they cause the lighting to dim and flicker throughout the house. Her husband insists this is only her imagination, and he also uses other types of deception to convince her she is losing her mind. 

In the end, it is the gaslighting that alerts the man’s wife to what he is doing once a friend who has offered to help her confirms that the gaslight flickering is not in her imagination. In recent years, the term has gained widespread attention, and in fact, in 2022, it was declared Word of the Year by Merriam-Webster based on the number of times the word was searched online. 

What are Examples of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting can take multiple forms. Here are some of the more common examples of this type of manipulative behavior. 

• Minimizing

Gaslighters commonly minimize your feelings. They will accuse you of overreacting or otherwise suggest your feelings don’t matter. They may say something like, “What about my feelings?”

• Forgetting or Denying the Facts

Another typical gaslighting technique is to forget or deny the facts. They might even insist that what you’re saying happened never happened at all. It’s all in your imagination, just like the gaslighter claimed in the original story. 

• Countering

Gaslighters often combine forgetting or denying the facts with countering your story by making up new details or questioning your memory of the event. They will almost always blame you for what happened. Some gaslighters will even use your mere presence as the reason why they made a mistake. They say things like, “You distracted me, and I wasn’t paying attention.” Therefore, the situation is all your fault. 

• Withholding

A frustrating tactic used by gaslighters is when they are withholding. They refuse to discuss what’s happening with you. They may tell you they are not ready to talk right now, but the problem is that they are never going to be ready. They’re brushing you off. They may also accuse you of trying to confuse them. 

• Diversion

Diversion is another favorite tactic of the gaslighter. If you bring up something you want to talk about, they change the subject or engage in ‘what-about-ism’ by bringing up old arguments. They’ll often do anything to get you to stop talking about what they don’t want to talk about. 

• Discrediting

Gaslighters also try to make others believe you’re the one with the problem. They will distort the facts when talking about the situation. They might also tell other people that you can’t remember things well or that you make things up. In a personal relationship, this can be devastating, and at work, this can jeopardize your career. 

While it can seem like these examples are obvious, when an experienced gaslighter uses them, they can have you questioning your own memory and intent. You might find yourself wondering, “Are they right? Is it me?” This can have a serious impact on your mental health, and that’s why understanding gaslighting is so important. So, how can you overcome gaslighting? 

What are Strategies to Overcome Gaslighting?

Understanding gaslighting is the first step to overcoming it. When you come to believe you’re being gaslighted, here are 3 strategies recommended by experts at the International Association for Relationship Research for overcoming it. 

Spend Time with Your Support Network

When participants in the above-mentioned study were questioned about recovering from gaslighting, the activity they cited that helped the most was spending time with other people who were part of their support network. They described activities that varied from casual conversations to active hobbies, but the important thing was their true friends and loving family members didn’t undermine their sense of agency. That was very helpful for their recovery and helped them to trust their perceptions again. 

Re-Embodying Activities

Re-embodying activities are those that clarify your sense of self. Many of the participants in the 2023 study cited meditation, yoga, and sports activities as being important for helping them strengthen and clarify their sense of self. Physical activities relate to self-concept clarity by helping to cultivate interoceptive awareness. This is your ability to be more aware of your internal sensations, such as pain, feelings of hunger, an awareness of your heart or respiration rate, and sensations of hunger or fullness. Creative activities like writing, journaling, or artwork are self-expressive, and in this way, they help to clarify your self-identity. Combining both physical and creative activities is a great way to strengthen your sense of self more rapidly. 

Post-Traumatic Growth Work

When someone is gaslighting you, they are abusing you, and it is traumatic. That’s why post-traumatic growth is extremely important for people who have experienced gaslighting. Establishing healthier boundaries and recognizing what you’ve learned from the experience are other ways you can clarify your sense of self and validate your perception of reality. These activities can also help you understand your role in the relationship so that you can better recognize gaslighters and stay away from them in the future. 

Working with a Therapist Can Help with Understanding Gaslighting

Gaslighting can be very subtle in nature, and you can quickly find yourself thinking something’s wrong with you. Working with a therapist can help you clarify and strengthen your sense of self. Since an objective person can help you see things that your gaslighter works hard to make sure you don’t see. There are often reasons why you become involved with gaslighters. And a therapist can help you work through old trauma that contributes to your patterns of behavior. 

I am a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist with degrees in psychology and social work. I offer a positive, practical approach to helping both individuals and couples achieve lasting results. For individual therapy, I like to blend creative collaboration, cognitive behavioral therapy, empathy, and neuroscience. This is to help you work through the trauma that is affecting your mental health and relationships. I can help you strengthen your sense of self and expel the gaslighters from your life. Give me a call today, and we’ll get started on your happier, healthier life right away. 
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