Marriage doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all handbook that outlines the specific steps that couples can take to resolve conflict in marriage.  One method that can be successfully leveraged when conversations become heated is the “time out” method.  By taking a time out, the hopes are that both parties will “take a breather”, calm down, and retrain their focus on solving the issue or issues at hand rather than focusing on the negative emotions of anger, agitation, ignorance or fear that one or both may be feeling.

Why a Time Out Doesn’t Always Work

While in theory taking a time out for a way of how to resolve conflict in marriage is a great idea, unless both parties take a “proper” time out, it’s not going to be an effective conflict resolution tool for the couple.  There are a few reasons why “time outs” may not work for a couple:

• The time away is spent ruminating on negative emotions rather than focusing on the core issue
• One or both parties may take a “time out” simply to escape the issue
• One or both parties may be looking for a way to distract themselves from the pressing problem at hand and use it as a way to move on without addressing the issue

If either individual spent the time apart focusing on any one of the above three items, once the couple resumes their previous discussion, they would most assuredly end up right back where they were before they parted for the time out because their outlook or perspective hasn’t really changed.  In fact, an individual may feel even more fueled up and ready to argue rather than seek resolution.

How to Take an Effective Time Out

The best time for a couple to take a time-out is when either person notices a shift in their emotional state. This shift can signal that the conversation is about to escalate into a destructive argument. When emotions rise too high, there’s a greater risk of saying something hurtful. That hurt often becomes the focus of a new argument, which then leads to another conflict, and the cycle continues.

A time-out isn’t a permanent solution to resolving conflict in marriage. Instead, it’s a temporary strategy to help both people regain emotional control. The goal is to reenter the conversation with a clearer mindset, so you can respond calmly and constructively.

To use this approach well, both partners must agree on how and when to take a time-out, and how to return to the conversation afterward.

• Mutually agree that time outs are acceptable
• Be able to express the need for a time out without judgment
• Agree that the time out is short and temporary (try to agree on a set amount of time)
• Understand that distance is necessary so that the other party can take care of him or herself and reflect upon new strategies and courses of action
• Return and repair any damage that may have been done

Most couples benefit from having an objective conversation after the initial discussion. This allows both partners to understand why they reacted the way they did. It also helps them understand each other’s feelings. This conversation can help avoid similar conflicts in the future. It’s key for navigating disagreements in a healthier way going forward.

If you would like to work with me in Couples Therapy, contact me at (864) 559-8181.

If you are not in my area and would like to find a local marriage counselor, go to: www.psychologytoday.com

Remember, marriage is a journey and not a destination. My goal is to make sure you have the tools to make your journey happy and successful.